Baking Up Your Perfect Relationship

I don’t know about you guys, but I absolutely LOVE baking! Obviously, I love eating what I bake (even though I wish I didn’t!), but I love the actually baking part too. I enjoy cracking the eggs and beating them, I like to whisk the liquids and stir the dry ingredients, and I absolutely love spooning the mix onto the baking sheet or into the designated pan (that is when you get to taste test!). Y’all are probably thinking, isn’t this a blog about healthy relationships? Why is she blabbing on about baking a Bundt cake or something? I know this may seem like a stretch, but the development of a relationship is kind of similar to the process of baking. Ok, now you all are thinking, “This girl is crazy!” but, please, try to go with me here.

First things first…What do you want to bake? Cookies, muffins, cake?

Relationship terms: What type of person do you want to be in a relationship with? Tall, short, man, woman, jock, studious?

Next…What ingredients do you need? Eggs, butter, milk?

Relationship terms: What makes up the type of person you want to be in a relationship with? Family-oriented, caring, outgoing?

Then…Mix up the batter. Add this, take this away, and stir it up.

Relationship terms: Meet the person. Go on dates, try new things, and get to know one another.

The next steps are…Does the batter have the right consistency? Did you make it right? If yes, pour it in or scoop it out and give it a try. This is where I start to get really impatient; you might even want to check in on it once in awhile to see how it is coming along.

Relationship terms: You have worked hard at developing this relationship, is it really what you want? If it is, go far it! It is important to keep in mind that things may get tough, you might get impatient or think why did I do this, be patient and think things through. Also, take time to check in with one another about how the relationship is going.

Finally…ENJOY!

Relationship terms: Healthy relationships are really great, enjoy being together!

Remember: It is important to decide who you want to be in a relationship with and what characteristics that person should have. Usually, what you put in is what you get out, so if you work hard and know what you want (and stick to that) you will find a very fulfilling relationship.  

-Julianne McLane

Facebook Infidelity

In my training as a therapist, I have noticed that almost all of our couples have one thing in common: Facebook.  Yes, these couples have issues outside of Facebook and their Facebook use is more likely a symptom of the problem than the problem itself. Yet, time and time again, couples come to therapy and talk about Facebook.  Maybe the wife found her husband’s chat conversation in which he tells another woman she’s beautiful, or a husband found out his wife has reconnected with her high school sweetheart. Maybe this “connection” occurred once, maybe it occurs often, and maybe it has even surpassed Facebook and now occurs on the phone or in person.  Sometimes it is friendly, sometimes it is sexual, and sometimes it is both.  The only thing I know for sure is that there is no one sure way to interpret these connections.  Researchers have found that a lot of confusion occurs around whether online relationships are considered infidelity, but cyber-affairs can have real impact on real life relationships.  While rules for face-to-face relationships are clear, rules for online relationships have not been established for many couples(Whitty and Carr, 2005).  Here are some tips for protecting your relationship from online infidelity.

–       Communicate— talk to your significant other about what “online infidelity” looks like to you. Defining what you consider cheating could help you both know what pitfalls to avoid.

–       Set clear boundaries—innocent friendship can unintentionally turn inappropriate. Know how much time, energy, and flirtation you can put into a relationship with another person before it crosses the line of emotional infidelity that you and your significant other have set.

–       Be open— keeping relationships public with wall posts instead of private messages helps keep you accountable to your spouse and social network. Some spouses even share an account or know each other’s passwords, increasing the transparency in their relationship.

Some couples may think that transparency means a lack of trust.  Be careful not to become obsessed with transparency because this can come off as controlling.  Rather, transparency should be a source of closeness.  It doesn’t mean you have to check in on your partner’s behaviors regularly.  Transparency means that you trust each other enough to share these things, while safeguarding your own vulnerabilities as an imperfect human being.  While you should not have to share with your spouse every time you talk with a friend, feeling as if you should hide your communication could be a personal sign that you’ve crossed a line in your relationship by which your spouse would be hurt.  If you have already experienced a Facebook related issue, consider seeking counseling by licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. As online communication becomes more prevalent, make sure you keep your Facebook fidelity strong!

-Shauna

References:

Whitty and Carr, 2005 M.T. Whitty and A.N. Carr, Taking the good with the bad: Applying Klein’s work to further our understandings of cyber-cheating, Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy 4 (2/3) (2005), pp. 103–115.

www.auburntherapy.com

For all of us Perfection Addicts…

Have you ever been told any of these phrases?

• “As long as you do your best, that’s all that matters!”
• “Give 110%!”
• “Give it your all!”

It’s funny, when I read each of these out loud, they are clearly telling me to just WORK HARD and DO MY BEST.  But somehow, throughout my life I have interpreted these and other encouraging phrases to mean that I must perform perfectly—at ALL times!

Even as a young girl, I quickly learned that I got a lot more attention for being “perfect” at all of the activities I did—whether it was the Times Tables Races in my 3^rd grade math class, my piano performances, soccer practice, or even my friendships—being as friendly and sweet as I possibly could to everyone.  It is really wonderful to be a high achiever and to strive for excellence in everything we do.  However, at times in my life I have taken this to an extreme and driven myself to be perfect, not settling for anything less.  This causes a lot of anxiety!

I know I am not alone!  Perfectionism can be very overwhelming, taking excellence to a different, more stressful level than that of high achievers.  Those of us who may have struggled with perfectionism at times in our lives may have experienced:

• Persistent anxiety, maybe even panic attacks
• Guilt, never feeling good enough
• Relationship problems—needless to say, we CAN’T be perfect in relationships, so when we try we always come up short and end up either frustrated with ourselves or resentful of the other person
• Eating disorders, criticalness towards  your appearance
• Depression, feeling down about yourself
• Procrastination—it’s difficult to start projects, because it’s so overwhelming knowing that you “must do them perfectly”
• Many other related problems

If you think you might be dealing with a form of perfectionism, here is a fun, easy, 15-question survey you can fill out that will help you better understand yourself:

http://stress.about.com/library/perfectionism/bl_perfectionism_quiz.htm

The first step is that we recognize anxiety and perfectionism in ourselves.  When we realize this is not a healthy response to life’s challenges, then we can decide to do something differently!

The second step is to choose one small goal.  Here are some example goals I’ve made before:

• Give myself 30 minutes each evening just to myself … Go walking or read a relaxing book.
• Choose an amount of time to spend on a certain project, and then STOP.  For example, “I’ll work on vacuuming for 40 minutes, and that’s it.”  You can always return to it later.
• Tell yourself positive, affirming statements, like “you’re such a hard worker,” “you care so much about doing your best”, “you’ve done really well at ___ project”, “it’s okay to take time for yourself”
• LISTEN TO YOURSELF.  We all know when our perfectionism kicks in, and all of a sudden we’re very anxious and overwhelmed, worried about what people think of us, not content with our performance.  STOP and let yourself breathe for just a few minutes.  Then face what’s ahead!

Post-Holiday Blues

As a young girl, the day I was MOST excited about and waited for all year long was not my birthday…it was the day Santa arrived—Christmas Day!  I can remember almost every Christmas Eve staying awake until 3 or 4am until one of my uncles would come in the bedroom where all my cousins and I were “sleeping” and tell us Santa wouldn’t come until we fell asleep.  The next day, my favorite day of the entire year, was filled with new dolls, play make-up, pumpkin pie, playing Nintendo with my dad and uncles, sitting on Gramps’ lap eating chocolate from my stocking…in two words—FAMILY and FUN!

In stark contrast, the very next day December 26^th was truly the saddest and worst day of my young life—crying as I said goodbye to my Nana, sitting in a car for hours, missing the laughter of all my cousins and relatives, getting tired of all my new toys, realizing that I wouldn’t get another Christmas until a whole YEAR from now…

Interestingly enough, now as a 29 year-old I still experience a painful slump after the holiday season.  Christmas and all of its frantic preparation, warmth and family, good food, and selfless giving is over.  New Years’ with its excitement and hopeful goal-setting is gone.  Even the BCS National Championship is done 😉  January and February tend to be somewhat low times for me.  Loneliness, fatigue, lack of interest in activities, anxiety about this year—all of these things and others accompany me as I forge into 2011.

In fact, I am not alone in experiencing a miniature “depression” in the winter months.  There is actually a name for this: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD—doesn’t that fit?!).  Oftentimes people get into a funk in the fall/winter months; they may feel moody and irritable or lose interest in people/activities.  Some of this depression is actually caused by being in less sunlight because of the winter months.  Here are some other symptoms:

• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Loss of energy
• Social Withdrawal
• Oversleeping
• Appetite changes; weight gain

If you notice yourself experiencing any of these things, here are some very simple ideas about how to deal with this “funk”:

• Expose yourself to LIGHT—get outside, take short walks, turn on the lights in your house
• Make SMALL GOALS—go run 1 errand today, call 1 friend, wake up at a reasonable hour, etc.
• Get SUPPORT—friends and family are so helpful
• EXERCISE—this chemically changes your body so that you actually feel more energetic and happy
• Call for PROFESSIONAL HELP (counselor, doctor, etc.)—if your symptoms still persist and feel overwhelming, counseling and/or medications are very helpful!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195

Kim Gregson, MS, LMFT

I’m ready, I think…

I’m ready, I think…..

During a recent conversation with a gentleman, the topic of marriage came up. I said to him emphatically, that I was ready for marriage and children, right now. He said he was not. I shared this conversation with some of my single and dating girlfriends who all proclaimed to understand where I was coming from because they all too state that they are also ready for marriage. No doubt about it. Some claim that they would quit their job or school tomorrow if a proposal came tonight. One friend used to say that she had turned down marriage proposals in the past, but that she would say “yes” to the next one that came her way. She got engaged earlier this year, and I’d like to think it was for reasons beyond the fact that her now fiancé happened to be the next one who popped the question.

The conversation I had with him, and the one’s I continue to have with my friends really got me to wondering about what being “ready” for marriage really means. When I ask men this question directly, or when it comes up indirectly in conversation, the response from men generally tends to be first about having fulfilled a certain level of professional and/or academic achievement, being in a certain place financially and sometimes, needing to also be a homeowner gets thrown in there. I’ve even heard the idea of being able to “only be with one woman forever” described as a journey that when complete, means you qualify as “ready”.

However, when I ask my female friends, they say being ready for marriage is more about being ready to “settle down”, having commitment, support and stability and often, about being able to start a family. This summary sounds eerily similar to parts of the afore mentioned conversation.

Over the past few months, I have been conducting research aimed at trying to understand the disconnect between what is preventing people who want to get married from actually getting married. I wonder how much this differing idea about marriage readiness contributes. While I do think the differences are interesting to note, I don’t believe that they offer a full explanation. I do, however, believe that these differences create a wonderful opportunity for conversations between men and women. I think men and women are socialized about marriage differently from an early age, so I don’t find it all that surprising that they espouse different ideas about what being ready for marriage means. Further, when taking into consideration the fact that people grow up in and around many different models of marriage, or in some cases, around a lack of models for marriage, the thought that it would be easy to get on the same page around marriage is actually somewhat silly.

I believe that fundamentally, many people like the idea of marriage, and honestly believe that one day, they really want to be married. And, while some of us hope that day comes sooner rather than later, I think that it is important to realize that when you state that you are ready to be married, you are able to articulate that beyond meaning you are ready for a ring and a white dress in the same way I think it’s important to acknowledge that not yet making six figures doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not ready. I think marriage readiness is much more than A conversation, but a series of conversations, interactions, events, feeling and emotions.  I’ve read two really good books that actually address many if not all of these topics and I recommend reading both The Conversation by Hill Harper and Lies at the Alter by Dr. Robin Smith as a self-thought provoking activity and as a shared activity.  Also, the following links offer suggestions for key questions to ask yourself and potential mates when considering marriage: http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/Questions-to-Ask-Before-Marriage.html and http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues.htm

While little girls often hear about “knowing he was the one when I first laid eyes on him”, I, as a grown-up know that marriage, and being ready for it is a much more complex notion than having your socks knocked off by someone who has their nails did, hair did, everything did or who walks is smelling good and with their swagger on 100. I also accept that being ready for marriage is not just about ME being ready, but it needs to be about a WE being ready. So, in efforts to not get ready, let’s talk some more. Who’s with me?

Jacqueline Y. Melton

Marriage Takes More Than 2

Sitting on a plane last weekend, my friend Mallory leaned over to me and said “I just love my husband. Marriage is pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Amid the overpowering hum of the jet engines and the flight attendant’s explanation of oxygen masks, Mallory and I began an in-depth conversation about how stabilizing marriage feels. I told her about my first year and a half of marriage and described to her how comforting and secure it feels to have someone who is “my person.” He is always on my team; Jacob and I are in it together! I’m not going to lie—we can get pretty heated in our arguments at times, all my insecurities come up and I’ll jump down his throat! But even through misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, and disappointment in each other, I know he’s beside me. As we talked and I realized how much I’d missed my husband over our 4-day trip to Minneapolis for a Family Relations conference, it dawned on me how helpful it is to feel understood and supported by another married woman.

My three college roommates and their husbands have remained some of our closest friends over the last few years. We’ve been like a “family” to each other through all kinds of challenges: one couple moving overseas, one couple dealing seriously with infertility challenges, another couple facing financial hardships, births of children, deaths of family members, and not least of all challenges to our marriages. Life brings many hardships and stresses. It is difficult to prevent these challenges from damaging our relationships. We can’t face them alone!

Our individualistic society makes it very easy to busy ourselves with career, personal/family issues, and private stressors. This gradual isolation of our marriage/family can be harmful! Research shows that the less outside support a couple has, the more destructive the effects of normal life challenges are on their relationship. When you feel secluded, you may become lonely, feel misunderstood, and distance from your partner. It is also easier to engage in secretive, hurtful behaviors when partners don’t have external accountability and support systems. Other couples/families can help ground your relationship and remind you again of why you chose each other and how important your commitment is.

Many community services and churches offer marriage mentors for interested couples. This is a fantastic way to connect with people, genuinely open up about real-life challenges, and feel supported. How have you found ways to keep your relationship healthy and to avoid isolating yourselves? Who has become your “family” or your support system?

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” – George Eliot

-Kim Gregson, M.S., LMFT

A House Divided

Yes, my dear friends, it is that time of year! Welcome, welcome, welcome super fans, tailgating, and thousands of my closest friends cheering on our favorite football team! During this time of year, an Alabamian must make an extremely tough decision that could affect family relationships. Are you an Auburn or Alabama fan? Do you cheer Roll Tide or War Eagle?

It all started in 1893 at Lakeview Park in Birmingham, Alabama. This first game was won by Auburn 32-22. The crowd was estimated at around 2,000. Today thousands upon thousands of Alabamians gather to support their favorite team. As I walked around Auburn’s campus this past Saturday, I couldn’t help but smile. There were families everywhere eating their favorite foods, throwing the football, children with precious game day clothes on, and laughter/cheering coming from every corner of campus. Families combined were cheering for multiple teams and enjoying the competitive spirit of the day. One of the sweetest and most precious aspects of life is to watch a family come together and experience a bond with one another.

The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Educational Network, NERMEN, lists seven key patterns of thinking and behaviors associated with healthy, stable couple relationships and marriage. These have become known as the NERMEN Core Components of a Healthy Relationship and Marriage. Share and Connect are two of these concepts. Share is defined as developing and maintaining friendship and sense of “we”; spending meaningful time together. One example of this is to find and cultivate common interests and activities.  Tailgating (no matter what campus you are on) with friends and family is a great way to do this. Connect is defined as engaging in social support, community ties, and sources of meaning. Spending time with your community while being with your family is a great way to connect to others and find this social support. This is an event that can engage all family members no matter age.

Who would have thought?  Cheering on your team AND working to maintain a healthy family relationship!  Now, that is a WIN!

So, during this football season remember…It doesn’t matter which football team you support, it just matters how you support your family connectedness. Even if your car holds “A House Divided” tag, I challenge you to put your “football competitiveness” aside and enjoy any and all games with your family and friends.

Rachel Dawkins

Dating aint what it used to be

Like a lot of people out there, much of my time spent talking with friends includes lots of conversation about current relationships and dating status. What’s up with so and so? Are you still talking to what’s his name? When was the last time you hung out with the girl you met at the gym?

What I find interesting is that many of my friends have personal lives that exist in a large grey area. Whenever I hear my parents, their friends, and older relatives talk about their younger days when they were dating, they make it sound like there was a very logical and clearly defined sequence to things: you met, the he courted the she, he asked her to be his girlfriend and the committed, and then the monogamous relationship was established. A break-up may occur and the cycle would repeat, but between the ages of 18-24 this cycle may have repeated itself two or three times before the end result was a “proper” proposal, marriage, and then and only then was the relationship consummated.

As a single, never-married woman in my early thirties, that description of dating sounds foreign to me. The dating lives of my friends consists of “kickin it”, “hanging out”, “Boo’s”, “Side- Boo’s”, “Jumpoff’s”, “Baby mama’s and Baby daddy’s” and “It’s complicated” Facebook status updates. The seeming simplicity of the black and white lines of dating often appear long gone, and have been replaced by this world of vagueness. Are the young and dating these days fearful of commitment? Is this a result of the breakdown of the traditional family where people no longer grow up in nuclear households? Has the media and society made casual relationships socially acceptable? Did having a friend with benefits replace having a steady? One of the other things I have found really interesting is that when my friends actually find themselves with an actual boyfriend or girlfriend, it seems as though it is a result of the person being the only option, or as a result of someone having just been around for a while. The formation of the relationship appears very passive and circumstantial rather than intentional and resulting from a thoughtful and deliberate process.

While I suspect many people will claim to be ok with this level of dating ambiguity, research shows that it is not likely to result in positive outcomes for emotional health or physical health.

So why and where along the way did dating become so difficult and require so much explanation? Is it that one is no longer enough or is it that it’s too hard to find the one? Is it that people simply accept what’s given or that they just don’t know what to ask for?

A lot of my friends seem to be torn between the reality of their dating lives and their real underlying desire to find someone to settle down with. While we have these conversations often, we have not yet crafted a clear solution, but my girlfriends and I have made a commitment to start to change some of our dating practices and we are going to start thinking like highly effective daters by applying the habits of highly effective people to our personal lives. Here is a quick refresher of the habits:  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

I’ve heard insanity defined as continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different outcome, so before I let dating drive me insane, I hope the change in attitude and approach will get me out of the grey area and moving towards a healthy and effective relationship.

Jacqueline Y. Melton, MSA

The Yungins

Over the last several weeks, several situations have come up that I have come across that have me wondering about the youth of today. When I think of “youth,” I think of the girl and guys that range from age 11 to 18. It’ obvious that technology has taken off to new and incredible heights, but one of the side effects of advanced technology that I think no one anticipated have been on youth relationships. Personally, I wasn’t allowed to “date” until I was 16, but there was the minor flirting and holding hands… nothing major. I am under no illusions that all other teenagers had that same rule (and actually followed it), but I can say that the way world is now must make attempts to enact and follow rules such as “no dating until you are 16” very hard to follow.

For instance, the vast social network available on the internet to children of all ages makes it possible to know what someone is doing, where they are, and how they may feel at any moment of any day. Now imagine that you are a hormonal teenager and you had that kind of access to your romantic partner. You can see where there would be more room for obsession, controlling behaviors, emotional distress … oh, the drama!

Another resource these youth have is the access to celebrity information. It seems that these days, youth take entertainment news much more to heart than I did during my teenage days. Coverage on Mile Cyrus alone has influenced many teen girls into accepting what she’s been captured doing and saying as the Gospel… it’s like they forget or they don’t realize that she is just one girl, living a completely different life than their own, and that those news stories hardly tell the whole truth. Miley Cyrus’ antics when I consider what else is out there like Paris Hilton, sex tapes, sexting. My stomach twists in knots when I think about all the garbage teenagers are eating up.

When I think about ACHMI’s Teenage Advisory Board (TAB), I can’t help but feel like there may be hope for this up-and-coming generation after all. TAB is a group of teenage boys that have been recruited from Auburn/Opelika high schools and they teach each other and their peers about healthy relationships. They participate in “developing radio and video public service announcements, performing in stage plays, and presenting at various conferences.” I see these teens really absorbing the facts they learn about being in a healthy relationship and I fully expect these lessons carry on to their future relationships and their marriages.

Check out these teens at http://realteenrelationships.com/

Cheers! ~Christiana D.

Love is a VERB

        We often use the phrase “I love you,” to express our feelings for someone we truly care about. Sometimes it is really heart-felt, sometimes it is to get out of trouble, and sometimes it is simply said as a formality. While it is always nice to hear that you are loved, we need to remember that saying “I love you” is not all it takes. Love is a verb, and action is required to fulfill the true meaning of the word.

         I recently attended the 2010: Let’s Get Real: Healthy Teens, Healthy Families and Responsible Fatherhood Regional Summit, where I was reminded of this very thing. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, each partner has to be committed to “actively loving” one another. This doesn’t mean that you have to spend a lot of money on fancy gifts or over-the-top vacations. Instead, focus on the little things that make your partner happy and show him/her how much you care.

        The summer is an excellent time to start “actively loving” your partner. Here are a few easy, inexpensive ideas to get you started:

• PLAN A DATE NIGHT! Whether you  have been together 5 months or 25 years, date night is always a great way to connect with your partner and strengthen your relationship. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive.  It can be as simple as spending an hour together on the couch with no kids, work, or interruptions.
• Randomly send your partner a text or email just to say you are thinking about them
• Leave little notes on post-its around the house for him/her to find
• Instead of planning an activity that you will love, plan something you know your partner will love
• Have a picnic. Take advantage of the summer and enjoy the outdoors.
• Go camping. If you can’t afford a hotel get away, find a nearby campground and pitch a tent. Not only is it cheaper, but nature will provide an intimate and private setting for you and your partner to really connect.
• Research your city or town. Google the name of your town and most often there will be a way to see upcoming events in and around the community. Often these activities are free to the public and offer a fun, inexpensive alternative to your daily routine.

        There are a million things you can do to show your partner how you love them. For more examples and tips, check out these websites:

http://www.alabamamarriage.org

www.healthymarriageinfo.org

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/196660/marriage_dating_your_spouse_helps_keep.html

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/romantic-date-ideas-for-married-couples.html

 by Kate Taylor Harcourt