Marriage Takes More Than 2

Sitting on a plane last weekend, my friend Mallory leaned over to me and said “I just love my husband. Marriage is pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Amid the overpowering hum of the jet engines and the flight attendant’s explanation of oxygen masks, Mallory and I began an in-depth conversation about how stabilizing marriage feels. I told her about my first year and a half of marriage and described to her how comforting and secure it feels to have someone who is “my person.” He is always on my team; Jacob and I are in it together! I’m not going to lie—we can get pretty heated in our arguments at times, all my insecurities come up and I’ll jump down his throat! But even through misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, and disappointment in each other, I know he’s beside me. As we talked and I realized how much I’d missed my husband over our 4-day trip to Minneapolis for a Family Relations conference, it dawned on me how helpful it is to feel understood and supported by another married woman.

My three college roommates and their husbands have remained some of our closest friends over the last few years. We’ve been like a “family” to each other through all kinds of challenges: one couple moving overseas, one couple dealing seriously with infertility challenges, another couple facing financial hardships, births of children, deaths of family members, and not least of all challenges to our marriages. Life brings many hardships and stresses. It is difficult to prevent these challenges from damaging our relationships. We can’t face them alone!

Our individualistic society makes it very easy to busy ourselves with career, personal/family issues, and private stressors. This gradual isolation of our marriage/family can be harmful! Research shows that the less outside support a couple has, the more destructive the effects of normal life challenges are on their relationship. When you feel secluded, you may become lonely, feel misunderstood, and distance from your partner. It is also easier to engage in secretive, hurtful behaviors when partners don’t have external accountability and support systems. Other couples/families can help ground your relationship and remind you again of why you chose each other and how important your commitment is.

Many community services and churches offer marriage mentors for interested couples. This is a fantastic way to connect with people, genuinely open up about real-life challenges, and feel supported. How have you found ways to keep your relationship healthy and to avoid isolating yourselves? Who has become your “family” or your support system?

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” – George Eliot

-Kim Gregson, M.S., LMFT

Do I NEED This???

Let’s take it back. Way back…. to about 3 weeks ago. It was the beginning of my Christmas vacation and I could not WAIT to see my family. After my plane landed in Houston (TX), I reveled in the company of my sisters, brothers-in-law, aunt, uncle, cousins, nieces, and nephew. I mean, my mother was here and she lives on another continent! What’s not to love?!

Fast forward to two weeks later. To me stalking into my sister’s guest bedroom for some peace and to maintain my precarious grasp on my sanity. As a loner by birth, it doesn’t take much for me to take a break from human contact, but I found myself seriously wondering if I really needed to be here and if I really needed to have a relationship with these people. I was overreacting (I do that), but it got me thinking: How important is it to have relationships?

As you may have guessed from my last post, I like research findings that are useful to Joe/Jane Six-Pack. Turns out that close relationships are vital to our well-being. We can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. As children, we gravitate toward our caregivers (for most, it’s a parent or two). We look to them for love, support, and protection. While growing up, we start to form friendships… we even invent imaginary friends. Then the teen years arrive, our hormones start acting up, and we look to forming intimate relationships. Around this time, it’s basically up to us to seek out healthy, long-lasting relationships. Relationships, according to research, help us realize who we are, how to treat others and how we want to be treated, and lend to our overall happiness. Having healthy relationships can also help manage stress! I’m all about that.

Forming and maintaining healthy relationships has a lot of benefits and that’s one of the many reasons I enjoy being a part of Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative or ACHMI (www.alabamamarriage.org). ACHMI strives to educate youth and adults on the ins and outs of healthy relationships. It’s the best type of education – the one where no cramming is involved, you can learn things, and you can use those things for the rest of your life. It’s great being a part of something that has changed the trajectory of so many people’s lives by teaching the importance of healthy relationships and helping make current relationships even better.

I guess all this means I’m stuck with my crazy, loud, nosy, caring, protective, loving family. Darn. 😉

Happy 2010!

Christiana Datubo-Brown

PS – Are we saying “two thousand ten” or “twenty ten”??

Premarital Counseling – New Perspective or Waste of Time?

Some may be cringing at the title of this blog! I can hear it now:

“Mallory, how could you say that something like premarital counseling is a waste of time?!?!”

“Don’t you want people to be prepared for marriage?”

“Aren’t you a therapist? How can you say that?”

Slow down one second and hear me out. This seems to be the season of weddings and love! All around me are bridal expos, bridal showers, commercials about that perfect diamond, and girls squealing with excitement about their friends becoming engaged. I am just as excited as the next person, and you can bet that I will be at 4 weddings in the next few months with tissue in my hand and a smile on my face!

As someone who has led premarital therapy, attended premarital education programs, and who truly believes in love that can last a life time, I am not trying to be cynical. I just want to put a disclaimer on premarital counseling and premarital relationship education programs.

Consumer Beware: Just because you sit in a course for relationship education does not mean that you have a “Golden Ticket” to marriage. If you treat premarital counseling as just another check on the checklist (i.e. got the caterer – check, got the dj – check, went to counseling – check), you are doing a real disservice to your relationship.

I think the truth is that premarital education can give you the right mindset and tools for marriage….IF YOU WANT IT! When premarital counseling is effective – which it is for many – it is because the couple comes ready to be real and to be purposeful. For me, I think premarital education can even prove to be a sigh of relief, because you learn that you do not have to have all the answers to love, communication, friendship, sex, in-laws, money matters, the impact of children on the relationship, etc., etc. now.

Rather, the emphasis is on engaging (and staying engaged!) in the relationship and moving down a new path together. Fortunately, skills can be learned throughout the relationship to address specific situations that will undoubtedly arise.

That’s the point! Healthy and stable relationships are made up of thoughtful choices and intentional actions. We get to decide – everyday and every minute – about choices that strengthen or strain the relationship.

So, decide to pay attention in those premarital classes; decide to be purposeful in your relationship; and, start before the “I do’s” are uttered.

Mallory Lucier, MS

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

HEALTHY MARRIAGES IN THE MOVIES

This week’s highly-viewed Academy Awards ceremony has perhaps put movies on the public’s mind more than usual. This year’s Best Picture-winner, Slumdog Millionaire, is a touching romance as well as a fascinating family drama. Like most cinematic love stories, its emphasis is on youthful romance and premarital courtship. This is not a knock on Slumdog; I loved the movie and highly recommend it. That said, the moviegoing world has had plenty of instruction on how to fall in love. It’s staying in love and working through challenges often seems hard to find at the multiplex. During the Oscars, a friend of mine was diligently scribbling down a “must-see list” of the award-winners, an act that got my relationship-focused mind thinking on a parallel track: “What are the ‘must-see movies’ about making a marriage work? While a complete list on the topic is beyond the scope of this blog (you’ll likely think of many that I didnt’), I thought I could get the ball rolling on with some suggestions for your next visit to Netflix or the video store:

A BEAUTIFUL MIND: This 2001 Best-Picture winner finds Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connely supporting each other through dangers and mental illness.

BIG FISH: First of all, it takes place in Alabama! Second of all, Tim Burton’s eye-catching family drama, with one foot in reality and the other in fantasy, has a terrific portrayal of marital fidelity, with a couple entering their golden years with a life full of memories and an attitude of cherishing each other.

CINDERELLA  MAN: Underseen gem has Russell Crowe and Renee Zellweger as a Depression-era couple trying to make ends meet. Very inspiring.

ENCHANTED: Okay, this is cheating a little bit, because this is a “falling in love” story, but worth including because of its emphasis on striking a balance between romance and realism, and for showing that new healthy relationships are attainable after a divorce.

FATHER OF THE BRIDE (PARTS ONE AND TWO)- These winning Steve-Martin/Diane Keaton family comedies find the pair coping with the joys of parenthood together.

THE INCREDIBLES: This Pixar/Disney collaboration carries a surprisingly insightful examination into the strains and joys of longterm marriage, carefully disguised as a superhero action adventure.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL: This sweet and powerful Italian film is a rarity: a heartwarming film about the Holocaust. Roberto Benigni and real-life wife Nicoletta Braschi star as loving parents who fight to give their family hope during World War II.

PATRIOT GAMES/CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER: Political thrillers have CIA analyst Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford) and his surgeon wife (Anne Archer) supporting each other and raising children in times of danger and stress.

UNBREAKABLE: M. Night Shyamalan’s underrated “realistic” superhero thriller has brilliantly understated performances by Robin Wright Penn and Bruce Willis, as a married couple who haven’t seen conflict; they’ve simply drifted apart. Their story is the emotional backbone of the film, providing poignantly real heartache, as well as the undercurrent of hope that they can find their love for each other again.

WORLD TRADE CENTER: Also underseen, Oliver Stone’s true story of two policemen trapped in the towers, and the families who love them, is nothing short of inspiring.

These should get you started! Feel free to add more suggestions in the comments section!