The Road that Leads to Nowhere

Several weeks ago, I had a heated argument  with my then, significant  other.  We were on the phone arguing about how he doesn’t call me enough and how he thinks I’m too demanding of his time.  I can remember thinking of new ways to tell him that I wished he would call me more frequently, but with every new angle I took, he returned with a new way of arguing the exact same thing he said previously. This whole process was maddening!!!  I began to wonder, “Is he doing this to purposely drive me crazy?”  It was like the more we talked about this the angrier each of us became.

They always say that hindsight is 20/20. Later on that night as I was replaying the conversation in my mind, I realized that we were caught in a negative escalation cycle. What I mean by this is that he more we tried to communicate to solve our problem, the angrier we became and the more distressing our interaction became. Both of us had good intentions: we wanted our problem to be resolved. However, we were so caught up in trying to get the other to “see it my way” that we completely neglected to listen to what the other was saying.

Sound familiar? I figured you would say yes. This type of interaction is common to many couples. An issue arises that leads to a disagreement because neither of you see the issue in the same manner.  Partner One tries to convince the Partner Two that his/her point of view is more valid and should be accepted as the truth.  Period.  The problem arises because Partner Two sees the issue not only completely differently, but this person see his/her opposing opinion is the end all be all to the argument, as well. It’s no wonder a fight is on the horizon.  I can almost hear the “ding!” that signals the beginning of a boxing match as two people prepare to go at it to prove that their point is the right one.

I realize that disagreements with significant others are inevitable but the way we handle them is key to the difference between a satisfying or dissatisfying relationship. Research consistently finds that people in the most pleasant relationships are those in which people are able to communicate their differences without the discussion become too laden with anger. Inquiring minds may want to know how to accomplish this.

Take a break! Yes, I said it. Take a break from the argument. When we become too upset or angry about a pressing matter, it becomes difficult to think. Taking a 10-15 minute break from an argument when one sees that it is going nowhere helps to remove partners from the potentially negative interaction so that they will be able to calm down and think. It will be during these times that one may realize that saying the same thing over and over will not prove productive for the maintenance of the relationship.  Also, when we are calm, we are better able to listen to what the other person has to say instead of becoming defensive. In my own situation, our failure to take a break from the argument only made matters worse at the time.  After returning to the matter later on that night (after each of us had time to reflect and calm ourselves) we were able to have a much more productive conversation and were better able to listen to each other.  Learning to do this is a process in the making, but developing this skill will save a lot of time and energy wasted on arguments that ultimately lead to nowhere.                                                         

Ashley Anders, M.S

An Attitude of Gratitude in Relationships

In a world that sometimes paints the idea of romantic relationships as an accessory for our lives, it can become all too easy to take for granted your significant other. If you watch enough reality t.v. you might start to think that boyfriends, girlfriends, or even spouses are as expendable as this season’s trendy clothes; what you’re into now might not be what you want a month or two from now. Relationships come and go, and there are plenty of fish in the sea, so why spend the time to build a real connection with someone? You have to look out for yourself first and foremost, right? If your relationship or your marriage doesn’t work out, you might even be able to go on a reality t.v. show yourself to find someone new! (Think you could be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette?)

This is dangerous and faulty thinking. Even if you aren’t ready for a serious commitment at the present, it takes time and experience to build the skills necessary to have a healthy relationship when that time does come for you. Part of that experience includes respecting the people you date, and appreciating the fact that they are choosing to be with you. There are few things in life more precious than time, and when people make the choice to share their time and their lives with their significant other, it should never be taken for granted. Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and wives are not an accessory; they are people.

Dr. John Gottman, a top marriage researcher and therapist, has found that successful marriages (versus those that end in divorce) are characterized by having at least 5 positive interactions for each 1 negative interaction. A powerful tool for positive interaction, Dr. Gottman says, is the daily expression of appreciation. You might say to your significant other, “I love it when you call during the day just to say hello”, or, “Your love notes are the best, they make me so happy!” It doesn’t take much time. Not only does it make your special someone feel good, but research proves that it makes the relationship stronger and more likely to last! You don’t have to be married to practice these techniques, either; in fact, great marriages begin with healthy dating relationships.

As a new year begins, many of us will set goals to work towards. One of my goals is to regularly express my appreciation for all of the relationships in my life. It is a privilege not only to have a significant other, but also to have good friends. Woodrow Wilson said, “Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” When life throws us trials and unexpected challenges, we truly realize the value of having friends to lean on to help you get back on your feet. Let us remember to express our gratitude for our friends and significant others as often as we can, and to be ever mindful of the privilege it is to have them in our lives. Reality t.v. may come and go… but the people who know how much you appreciate them will likely stay around for a very long time!

Kristy Malone, Master’s student in Marriage and Family Therapy and Graduate Research Assistant for the Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

From Bah Humbug to Happy Holidays

Most of my friends would not describe me as the person who eagerly awaits the holiday season. On the contrary, they know that in the past, I have really dreaded the holidays due to the many transitions that my family has endured over the past several years. My family, like so many others, has experienced multiple divorces, deaths, and other family transitions that dull the cheerful glow of the holiday season. I know I am not the only one who has wished to sleep through Thanksgiving and Christmas and then, when we wake up, it’s January.

However, we all know this is not possible.

Thanksgiving this past week was the official kick off of the holiday season. Much to my surprise, I found myself looking forward to Thanksgiving and seeing my family. Now that Thanksgiving has passed and time is on the super speedway towards Christmas, I have found that I am anticipating this holiday as well. Inquiring minds may want to know what has accounted for this change in perspective regarding my “bah humbug” attitude towards Christmas.

I used to spend my time mourning over times passed and wishing for things to go back to how they used to be. I can imagine that there are millions of people who are currently struggling with this same problem. However, I recently realized that I will never be satisfied if I continue to long for times that have passed because it is simply not possible to go back and relive the “good ole days.” I have learned to appreciate the people who are in my life who really love me. Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved and appreciated them but I have developed a new sense of gratefulness for my family in realizing that I must appreciate them now.

Therefore, I encourage you to be appreciative of the family that you have right now instead of focusing on the one that once was. We only get one family, so let’s enjoy them (with all of their craziness and flaws) to the fullest. Happy Holidays!

Ashley Anders, M.S., Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Real Housewives of Auburn

One of my guilty pleasures this television season is Real Housewives of Atlanta. Each Tuesday evening, we get a glimpse of the “fabulous” lives of five women who consider themselves to be among Atlanta’s wealthiest socialites. There’s Kim, who purchased a Cadillac Escalade, in cash. DeShawn hired a full-time staff of 6, including a nanny, governess, estate manager, and personal chef, to handle various duties around her home. Sheree threw herself an over-the-top 40^th birthday bash, replete with a $1,200 cake in the shape of her favorite Louis Vuitton purse. Lisa took pride in selling multi-million dollar homes to athletes, music producers, and other wealthy people. And there was NeNe, who spared no expense in ensuring that she would be the hottest person at whatever social event she attended. While I can name many of the extravagant things they did, I can’t say that I ever saw them do a lot with their children. I never saw them picking their children up from school. I never saw them at a school play or taking their child to dance classes. I never saw these ladies tuck their kids in at night or cheer for them on the sidelines. Have we become a society that is so entrenched in wearing the latest fashions, buying the biggest bling, or driving the hottest cars that our children fall by the wayside and become merely another notch on our accomplishment belt?

But while that was taking place on Bravo, a much better reality show was playing out in front of my very eyes every Wednesday and Thursday night…the Real Housewives of Auburn. I saw women dressed in sweats and scrubs bring their daughters to soccer practice and games each week. I saw women drive back and forth between soccer practice with their 10 year old and swim lessons for their 15 year old. We rooted for each other’s child whenever they scored a goal, blocked a goal, or just got an opportunity to kick the ball. We shared stories about how long the girls had been involved in extra-curricular activities, how we handled grades, differences in siblings, and the importance of being involved in our children’s lives. While it’s apparent that we weren’t rolling in the dough like the Atlanta housewives, we did have one thing in common—we were all committed to ensuring that our children had as many opportunities as we could give them to maximize their potential. Decades of research has linked parental involvement with higher grades and test scores, fewer instances of violent behavior, decreased use of drugs and alcohol, and increased motivation and self-esteem. As a single mom, it is not always easy to balance work and family. I have seen many a day when my daughter asked me to attend an event and despite how tired I was, or how many other things were going on, I made sure that if it wasn’t absolutely essential for me to be elsewhere, I was there to support my daughter. I have attended plays, soccer games, classroom presentations, and concerts. I have shown up at every parent-teacher conference, I have volunteered to read to my daughter’s class, and I even manned a booth at the annual Spring Fling, all to ensure that I am an active participant in my child’s life. For me and the other 7 women who gathered each Wednesday and Thursday night, the focus is on our children, not us.

So perhaps throwing extravagant social events or being able to keep up with the Jones’ is someone else’s reality, but it isn’t mine.

Eugenia Parrett, M.S.

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Sweet Home Alabama………

Hello everyone!

I am Christiana Russell, the newest member of the ACHMI team. Unlike most of the team members I am not a student, I am not faculty…I am a staff member but in a different way – a Post Doctoral Research Fellow.

So how did I end up in Auburn? Well, let me briefly tell you my journey…….

There I was 2 years post graduation, working as a lecturer in the Department of Human Development and Family Science at The Ohio State University while waiting on my husband to finish his doctoral program in Political Science. I had this dream that we would go out into the job market together as a power team – 2 PhDs and some University would recognize our talents and offer us wonderful salaries to come! However, life just did not work out as perfectly as I hoped in my idealistic fantasy!

I had received 2 tenure track offers,  1 Post Doc offer and my husband had received 3 tenure track offers – all in various locations around the country- with one exception Auburn, AL.  A Post Doc for me and Tenure Track for my husband! So, what were we to do? Live separately and hope our children and marriage would survive? Or should I post pone my tenure track jobs and accept the Post Doc so we could be in the same city and live as a family unit?

After several weeks of agonizing deliberation my decision was made for me in one moment! I came home one night and saw my 8 year old and  then 2 month old asleep on the floor snuggled up next to their daddy as he lay watching television. A wealth of emotion came over me as I slid down next to my husband and as he put his arm around me, I laid my head on his shoulder and told him of my decision. He too was overcome with emotion as he tenderly kissed my forehead. He did not want me to have to make the sacrifice but it was one that I personally felt that I had to make!

Now, as part of this research project about healthy marriages and healthy relationships, through my own personal experience and what I have learned so far….I absolutely made the right choice! Looking at my 2 beautiful little girls so happy and healthy, my husband doing well in his career plus I am part of a great research team and gaining valuable experience and knowledge that will propel me to the next level in my academic career!

So I think I can say that I am home!

Stay tuned for the next chapter in my adventurous journey…………

Christiana Russell, PhD

Post Doctoral Research Fellow

ACHMI

What kind of return are you getting on your investment?

In light of our nation’s struggling economy, so many of us are watching our investments. The stock market rises and falls, and some fear it could crash. Yet how many of us truly realize that one of our greatest investments is our family?

When my husband and I first decided to connect our families, we both knew the obstacles ahead. We planned carefully; we read books, articles, and even talked with several researchers of stepfamilies. We headed their advice: listen, listen, listen. We soon realized that even if we did not agree with anyone else’s point of view, it was still valuable. People in general, but especially children, feel validated and respected when you listen to them. With five children, you can only imagine the things we heard. “Are we going to have to share a room?”, “Do I have to share everything?”, “I’m the only boy with FOUR sisters?”, and “Boys are gross and they do gross things. How are we going to survive?!” were just a few of the comments/concerns that were mentioned. Of course, we didn’t have an answer to each of the questions or concerns that the children presented to us. Some were more statements than questions. Yet, we assured them that their feelings were important, even if we didn’t like the way they felt. We secretly hoped we didn’t screw up so badly that the kids would grow up and never forgive us. We loved each other, wasn’t that enough for everyone? We made the investment into each other, why couldn’t everyone else?

The first year was the toughest. Everyone, including myself, had to get used to schedules, habits (good and bad), traditions, and all sorts of things my husband and I never imagined. Some situations were easily solved (like chores and responsibilities), yet others were difficult. How was my poor husband supposed to know that one of our daughters did not like her jeans dried? Here I was, so glad someone else was doing the laundry other than me, and she bursts into tears and acts as if she had just lost a limb!! Imagine my poor husband’s face: not understanding why anyone would cry over such a thing, and certainly not understanding my attempt to console her. Needless to say, he hasn’t done much laundry since.

Yet, as I have come to understand, our practice of listening pays out dividends over time. People of all ages begin to learn acceptance. That acceptance eventually grows into respect, and then for some, love. It does not happen quickly, and that is not only significant in stepfamilies. We all face challenges with people around us. We all have relationships; some are strong and rewarding and tend to be easier, others are difficult and strained. Contrary to popular belief, relationships are rarely 50/50. Those that are productive in my life require me giving way more than 50%. The ratio is more like 90 to 100%. On the days I don’t give that of myself, my relationship suffers. The kids are learning this too. They are slowly realizing that they have an investment in our family, and a valuable one. Yet, at their ages, they can’t understand why they must continue to give their best, when it doesn’t seem the best is given back. That is one of the questions my husband and I didn’t have an answer for: why life seems unfair. We hope to have that answer by the time we have grandchildren, but we’re not counting on it.

Now that the first year is over, and we all have realized how crucial our investment is in our family, those first year concerns the children had are very different. In this time frame, we have learned to accept and value each other, even if we don’t always like each other. We have also learned that we must continue to give as much of ourselves as we can, even when we think others aren’t. Do we still have issues and concerns? Of course! Yet, what seemed so huge in the beginning, is now quite funny. It is simply part of the process. Our youngest girl laughs hysterically when our only boy does “gross boy things”. The girls are realizing that “sharing everything” has great advantages, and doubles their wardrobe. And the “only boy with FOUR sisters” has realized how pretty his sisters’ friends happen to be now.

Relationships reflect what is put into them. Little investment shows little return. The greater the investment, well you know the rest. Listen to your kids, listen to each other, and listen to your heart. Invest in your family wisely: not only with your time, but your actions and words. The return on that investment could be priceless!

Ami Landers, Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Happy marriages, families can and do happen!

As a marriage and family therapist in embryo (I’m getting my master’s in preparation for licensure), I often work with couples and families in the midst of their darkest hours. In fact, all of us at ACHMI, whether through own life experiences, therapy, or facilitating courses, come into contact with the pains and trials that can accompany family life. Taking a momentary breath from our emphasis on problems (and our attempts to prevent/solve them) and focusing on the good we see and experience has, for me at least, given me the motivation to keep pushing through. Many couples leave therapy a great deal more competent and happy than they started. Many marriages, parent-child relationships, and teenage interrelating skills are improved and strengthened by attending the courses our facilitators provide. And we all know (or are part of) couples and families that do just fine on their own. In my nonprofessional (and professional) life, I frequently observe supportive and loving parents, appreciative children, and marriages which only get better with age. At times, with the work we do and the pain we observe, it may be tempting to give way to hopelessness and despair. However, any time I see or experience a cherishing relationship, I’m reminded of the words of Samwise Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings: “There’s some good in this world. And it’s worth fighting for!”

Jonathan Decker, Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative