Singlehood…Finding the “ONE”

Being raised Greek Orthodox Christian, I feel as though it’s our family’s mission to get everyone married as soon as possible. The movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” somehow relates to my life; I’m just recently back to being single and it’s my parents mission right now to find me “the one.”

Throughout my life I have always had a boyfriend or someone who I was “talking” with but they seem to never be that special someone. I am 23 years old and just got out of a pretty close relationship after realizing he was not someone I see myself spending the rest of my life with. While this was a very tough decision and difficult to overcome, I knew it was for the best since I am at the age where I need to find something serious that will last forever.

So now I’m looking for that special someone, but not just anyone. We have to know not to rush into things, not to marry someone just because we want to be married, and not just settle for just anything because we feel that’s all we are going to get. As ACHMI and research has taught me, we need to plan for the long-run of marriage rather than plan for a wedding. Today, it’s so common for people just to slide into a relationship because their friends are married or just because they need the comfort of marriage, only later to find themselves in an unhealthy relationship. We need to decide on a serious relationship that is meaningful and intended for the rest of their life. I want to find that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, that I want to grow old with, that I know I truly feel that connection and love for, and that I will someday have kids with. I want a healthy relationship from the beginning to the end that will overcome the dominating challenge of today’s society, divorce!

Yes, sometimes people “think” they have married that special someone but soon realize later in their marriage that they truly did not know their significant other or that this is not someone they can be with for the rest of their life. Everyone wants a healthy marriage but sometimes do not act accordingly. Spend enough time together to make sure you know who this person truly is; we need to realize the qualities and attributes of that someone so that we truly know there is a lasting connection. We don’t just want to get married to someone because it “feels” right or that we think we “feel” the emotional connection. Make sure to get to know this special someone on every level (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.) so that you know who they really are.Take your time before rushing into marriage, take a premarital class to ensure that you’re ready for the serious step, and make sure you’re marrying your special someone.

Alexa Calligas

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative, Graduate Research Assistant

Planning a Family History

This past weekend we celebrated my husband’s grandfathers 93^rd birthday. All gathered around the table while papaw shared memories, stories and photos of his life, I began to wonder. .. Do people stop and embrace their family, friends and life experiences anymore or are we so caught up in work, ball practice, grocery shopping and PTA that we do not have the time to “reflect”? I too have been guilty of not “taking time to smell the roses” but as my husband and I plan our future and talk of having children, we wonder is there a way to balance time? To make a living history, so to speak, that when our children look back on their life that they too can recall all the special times at the lake, Christmas at Nana’s, movie night and family ties that helped us to remain strong as a family.

Our family is very close and we value each other more so today that ever. Unfortunately, I do not live as close to some of my family as I would like, so I learn to cherish the time that we can spend together. The birth of each new child or the important milestones in the lives of the people in our family proves that a family can be tied together, no matter how far apart you are. I can honestly say that when I was growing up, I never worried much whether or not I attended family functions. Wouldn’t there be another one in a few months anyway? Now, I take the time to go to these gatherings, with my camera in hand, knowing that I should take advantage of every opportunity to see my loved ones. People and things change so quickly and the years go by so fast. I want to capture these moments, the ones of watching the smiles on my nephew’s face as they open their Christmas gifts, the excitement on the face of a 93 year old man, who is still loving life no matter what his age. As our future children come into the world, I hope that my loved ones will do the same for me, treating every moment as important as the next and knowing that nothing is or ever will be as important as family. 

Teresa Wagoner

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Wedding Planning 101

I recently became engaged and entered the vast world of wedding planning. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever imagine the details (and the costs!) that go into planning the “perfect day.” From “Save the Date cards” to reception favors, planning a wedding can be a daunting task. I see how one can become so involved in the details that they forget about the big picture. Although I grew up dreaming that I’d have an elaborate wedding, replete with a horse drawn carriage, I have come to the realization that it’s the love I share with my fiancé and the commitment we have to each other that will endure after the invitations are thrown away, (because only the bride is interested in framing one), the “I do’s” are done, and the band has stopped playing. Working on the ACHMI project has opened my eyes to the value of marriage education and its positive impact on strengthening marriages. How do we manage conflicts? How do we balance home and work? Do we have the foundation necessary to build a successful marriage that will inspire generations to come? I have come to value not the how, or the where, or the when, of getting married but rather the WHO. Who is this person that I have decided to marry? Who is this person that I am pledging a lifetime commitment to? Who is this person I want to grow old with, working in our garden while our grandchildren run around in the yard? Unfortunately, neither the calligrapher nor the caterer will be there to help us with these questions along the way. Rather than focusing on the details of the wedding day, I’d rather focus on the details of our relationship. So despite the lure of hand-crafted invitations, elaborate cakes, and designer dresses, my focus has shifted from planning a DAY to planning a LIFETIME.

Eugenia Parrett, M.Ed.

Graduate Research Assistant, Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Our First Romantic Relationships

I remember a lot of differences among my friends when we were in high school, especially when it came to who we went out with. Some of my friends dated the same person from the beginning to the end of high school, others dated a lot of different people along the way, and still others barely dated at all. But regardless of how much dating we were doing, all of us were trying to understand how to go about these relationships. Figuring out romantic relationships is not always easy. The reality is, most of us will have several relationships before we find a person that really fits us well and things work out for a long term commitment. It is during our teen years that many of us experience our first real girlfriend or boyfriend. Our feelings can run deep and powerfully affect how we feel day-to-day. Our first romantic relationships, even when they don’t work out, are really valuable. These relationships help us understand ourselves better and what we really want in a partner. They also help us figure out what we don’t want. When a relationship stops working for one reason or another, we can feel really bad for a while. This especially is true if the other person ends the relationship before we were ready for it to end. It also is true if a person we thought cared about us starts treating us badly. If you are experiencing one of your first relationships, keep in mind that the relationship should add positive things to your life and not bring you down all the time. Enjoy your current relationship but don’t let it hold you back from your goals. If you are going through one of your first break ups, remember: “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” (Hermann Hesse) and “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” (Alexander Graham Bell). Posted by Jennifer Kerpelman, Ph.D., Professor of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University

Family, Fun, and…FOOTBALL SEASON!

Last Saturday, I was one of the many college football fans across the country to proudly attend my Alma Mater’s opening home game of the season. As I walked around campus enjoying the exciting atmosphere, I couldn’t help but smile…kids tossing around a football, adorable elderly couples walking hand in hand on their way into the stadium to cheer for their favorite team, and proud new parents showing off their infants (who were, of course, decked out in their team colors too!) On any given Saturday in the fall, no matter what college campus you visit, the unique tradition of tailgating and football that brings so many families together is everywhere—and I love it. This time of year always gets me thinking about this tradition within my own family, and how it has shaped my life.

In my family, attending Auburn football games has always been one of the greatest and most meaningful traditions we have. From as far back as I can remember I would travel with my family to Auburn on weekends in the fall to tailgate with other families and just enjoy the atmosphere and great company that goes along with cheering for your favorite team on “Football Saturdays.” Many memories were made during these times, and as a current Auburn student I fondly look back on the days when we would gather with my cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles to celebrate the loyalty and pride we have for our favorite university and its football team (win OR lose, of course!). Even though many of us lived miles apart, it was the memories we made on football Saturdays in the Fall that brought my family closer together and even made each of us part of who we are today.

I now realize how much these experiences have meant to me throughout the years, and how important any family tradition is, really. Family traditions such as these allow us to create a unique shared meaning of something familiar that is important to us. Because of this tradition and the loyalty and love of Auburn University that was instilled in me by my family when I was young, I have gone on to complete my bachelor’s degree here, and will soon graduate in December with my master’s degree as well. As my time as an Auburn student draws to a close, I can’t help but get emotional when I think about all the incredible memories I’ve made in this place not only as a student, but also as a member of an Auburn family. Even though many things have changed in my family over the years, I am reminded of what I have learned about the importance and meaning of traditions like tailgating and college football—no matter which team you cheer for!

Bailey Lathem, (soon to be) M.S.

Graduate Research Assistant, Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

The World As It Should Be

Watching television during the last two weeks has been delightfully different from the regular season. It is not often during television viewing that I feel uplifted and inspired, as I did watching the many triumphs and heartbreaks of the Olympics… and watching Michelle Obama’s speech on Monday night.

Mrs. Obama spoke about how she came to understand her husband’s values as they got to know each other. She spoke warmly about her husband’s belief that we should not accept the world as it is. “He talked about the world as it is and the world as it should be. And he said that all too often we accept the distance between the two, and we settle for the world as it is, even when it doesn’t reflect our values and aspirations.” Mrs. Obama returned to this theme several times and each time her words reverberated as I thought about the mission of ACHMI and its genesis.

 

ACHMI was established in the belief that Alabama families deserve a better future. For years, Alabama has had one of the nation’s highest rates of divorce, child abuse, and unwed pregnancies. It doesn’t have to be this way! The research is clear that children in stable families benefit in all spheres: physical, social and emotional. But vision without action is merely a dream.

 

ACHMI combines the vision of a better future for all Alabama families with an action plan of marriage education/relationship classes and accessible resources. As staff, graduate students and community partners, we believe change is possible and research corroborates this. Empower women and men with the skills, resources and education to make life changes and they will. Alabamians want better lives for themselves and for their children. The dismal statistics that reflect the reality of too many Alabama children are not rooted in our soil but in relationship patterns than can be different. ACHMI is leading the way as we provide marriage education/relationship classes and accessible resources that will result in concrete changes for our most vulnerable citizens.