The Road that Leads to Nowhere

Several weeks ago, I had a heated argument  with my then, significant  other.  We were on the phone arguing about how he doesn’t call me enough and how he thinks I’m too demanding of his time.  I can remember thinking of new ways to tell him that I wished he would call me more frequently, but with every new angle I took, he returned with a new way of arguing the exact same thing he said previously. This whole process was maddening!!!  I began to wonder, “Is he doing this to purposely drive me crazy?”  It was like the more we talked about this the angrier each of us became.

They always say that hindsight is 20/20. Later on that night as I was replaying the conversation in my mind, I realized that we were caught in a negative escalation cycle. What I mean by this is that he more we tried to communicate to solve our problem, the angrier we became and the more distressing our interaction became. Both of us had good intentions: we wanted our problem to be resolved. However, we were so caught up in trying to get the other to “see it my way” that we completely neglected to listen to what the other was saying.

Sound familiar? I figured you would say yes. This type of interaction is common to many couples. An issue arises that leads to a disagreement because neither of you see the issue in the same manner.  Partner One tries to convince the Partner Two that his/her point of view is more valid and should be accepted as the truth.  Period.  The problem arises because Partner Two sees the issue not only completely differently, but this person see his/her opposing opinion is the end all be all to the argument, as well. It’s no wonder a fight is on the horizon.  I can almost hear the “ding!” that signals the beginning of a boxing match as two people prepare to go at it to prove that their point is the right one.

I realize that disagreements with significant others are inevitable but the way we handle them is key to the difference between a satisfying or dissatisfying relationship. Research consistently finds that people in the most pleasant relationships are those in which people are able to communicate their differences without the discussion become too laden with anger. Inquiring minds may want to know how to accomplish this.

Take a break! Yes, I said it. Take a break from the argument. When we become too upset or angry about a pressing matter, it becomes difficult to think. Taking a 10-15 minute break from an argument when one sees that it is going nowhere helps to remove partners from the potentially negative interaction so that they will be able to calm down and think. It will be during these times that one may realize that saying the same thing over and over will not prove productive for the maintenance of the relationship.  Also, when we are calm, we are better able to listen to what the other person has to say instead of becoming defensive. In my own situation, our failure to take a break from the argument only made matters worse at the time.  After returning to the matter later on that night (after each of us had time to reflect and calm ourselves) we were able to have a much more productive conversation and were better able to listen to each other.  Learning to do this is a process in the making, but developing this skill will save a lot of time and energy wasted on arguments that ultimately lead to nowhere.                                                         

Ashley Anders, M.S

You Complete… You

Who can forget Tom Cruise’s famous line from Jerry Maguire: “You complete me.” It’s the kind of line that undoubtedly stirs many to fantasize about a love so intense and consuming that you can’t imagine how you ever lived without it… That something you’d been missing your entire life suddenly has made you whole…  Ah, love.

Or is it?

Although it sounds romantic and makes for great chick-flick material, the idea that being in a relationship will complete you is not a realistic or healthy way of thinking. It’s more likely to be based on infatuation or loneliness rather than actual love. The best relationships happen between two people who have taken the time to form their own identity, and are happy people already. They aren’t looking for someone else to complete them. These tend to be the people that in real life, others are most attracted to.

If you find yourself single and longing for a relationship, you might examine the reasons why. Is it because you’re lonely, spending night after night at home with microwave dinners and slippers? If so, you might consider simply getting out more— try being the one to organize going out with friends, or take up a hobby or class that will get you out socializing. Is it because nearly everyone else you know has a significant other and you’re constantly in the role of third wheel? Consider the friend date—taking one of your single opposite-gender friends to accompany you the next time your best friend and her boyfriend extend that dinner invitation. You could also push for regularly scheduled girls’ nights/ guys’ nights with your attached friends—they’ll almost certainly appreciate them, but might not be as likely to initiate them.

As you develop your own interests and gain confidence in yourself, you will become a more attractive catch to potential love interests. You invite others to take an interest in you, because well, you’re an interesting person! You’ll also be more likely to experience a healthy and happy relationship when it does happen. It might not be as romantic a thought, but rather than saying, “You complete me”; it’s better to be able to say, “I was complete without you—but I’m really happy you came into my life!”

Recommended reading: “The Missing Piece” and “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O” by Shel Silverstein.

Kristy Malone, Master’s student in Marriage and Family Therapy and Graduate Research Assistant for the Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Hitting the jackpot

The first job I ever had was as at a convenience store, earning $5.15 an hour to mop up, stock the shelves, ring up purchases, and make sandwiches for loyal customers. I also sold countless lottery tickets to people who were hoping to hit the multi-million dollar jackpot and “take it easy” from there on out. I never thought that any of them expected to win; the odds of reality were too heavily stacked against them. Surviving, as well as acquiring the comforts they desired, required them to work consistently and work hard to earn a steady paycheck. Only a fool would place all of his or her trust on the lottery; to do so would be to guarantee a miserable, impoverished existence.

Unfortunately, some expect to hit the jackpot with love and marriage, only to feel cheated when the demands of reality require their labors. Anything worth having is worth laboring for; indeed, the effort is often a large part of the satisfaction. This is true of career advancement. It is true of academic achievement. Success in athletics, the arts, fitness, business…all require effort. The law of the harvest (”You reap what you sow”) is a reality of life. Why should marriage be any different? Yet for some reason, against our own logic, we all too often fall prey to the “Happily Ever After” mentality, which tells us that there is someone out there who will meet our every expectation while bringing us happiness and completion; the romantic idea being that such a relationship will be all but effortless and the happiness will flow naturally and constantly. And so we bide our time waiting in vain for our numbers to line up, when in reality the real trick is to find satisfaction and happiness from our labors, and the consistent yield they can bring.

At the Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative, our key purpose is to help couples in this state  learn to relish the effort and experience the rewards that come from knowing how to work together for a fruitful and loving relationship. It’s also about conveying this message to youth and single adults. To that end, we provide free relationship enrichment courses throughout the state, aimed at helping make bad relationships good and good relationships better. Think of it as career training: we provide the tools you need to succeed. While you may not get to “take it easy,” the work does get lighter as you grow more proficient at it, and the dividends are great. I invite you to attend our seminars. Unlike with the lotto, we aim to make as many people as possible very rich indeed.

Jonathan Decker, ACMI GRA.

Dating and the Single Dad

I recently received a friend request on Facebook from someone that I knew back in elementary school. Hearing from someone that I had not seen in over two decades made me wonder who else was out there that I had lost contact with. I began putting in random names from high school, college, previous jobs, and finally some family members. I eventually found a cousin that I hadn’t spoken to since we lived in the Northeast, over 15 years ago. We began to catch up and I asked about the two darling little girls that were in all of his photos on his profile. It seems that he is currently a single dad who is raising an 18 month old and a 5 year old without the help of their mother who walked away from the family when their youngest child was born. I have to admit that I was in total shock at hearing his story because it usually isn’t the mother who walks away from the responsibility of raising a child. (I guess I had seen one too many episodes of “Maury” where women were hauling men onto national television to find out the results of the DNA tests to convince these men to take responsibility for the children they had created.) After exchanging pleasantries, we started discussing our personal lives and he was very excited to hear about my pending nuptials. I asked him if there was a special lady (aside from the two little ones on his profile) in his life and that was when he began telling me the woes of dating as a single dad. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would hear such tales of heartbreak, sadness, and disappointment. In the movies men usually use babies and puppies as “chick magnets.” Why didn’t that work in real life? (Note to self—you watch WAY too much television!) Apparently, dating for single dads is no easy feat and may leave many wondering if they’ll ever find that special someone again. I asked my cousin if he had any words of advice for other single dads out there and he says he has come up with five easy rules to follow:

1. Avoid the “baby momma drama.” Whatever you do, DON’T TALK ABOUT THE OTHER WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE! At least not in the beginning of a relationship. Your dates and prospective girlfriends have a right to know if you are widowed or divorced; however, they will feel intimidated if you talk about them incessantly. Definitely avoid talking about how well you and your ex get along as this may cause your new girlfriend to think there is a possibility you are getting back together with them. You also don’t want to badmouth her either as this sets the stage for ill feelings towards someone your ex has never met.

2. Me, myself, and I. Take some “me time.” The better you feel, the better you’ll be able to take care of your child(ren). Get plenty of exercise, engage in hobbies, and spend time with your friends and family. These are great ways to stay physically, emotionally, and psychologically fit!

3. The truth shall set you free! First, tell the woman you are seeing that you have children. It doesn’t make sense to try and date someone who is adamant about not liking/wanting children. Second, be honest with whomever you are dating about your financial situation. Women were so used to dating men who paid for everything that it was difficult for them to understand that sole responsibility for two children was definitely taking its toll on my cousin’s finances. R.J. says that this was the hardest thing for him do since he had always prided himself on being able to “wine and dine” the ladies….

4. Variety is the spice of life. The last thing you want to do is enter a long-term relationship with the first woman you go out with. You may feel loved and needed-perhaps for the first time in a long time but chances are you may not be ready for a long term commitment immediately after becoming widowed or divorced. Try dating a few people first.

5. Hi, my name is….When you introduce your children to your girlfriend for the first time, don’t set your expectations too high. No matter how much you want it to happen, your new girlfriend and your kids probably aren’t going to be instant best friends. Relationships take time to develop. (So what if R.J’s oldest daughter Leah wouldn’t let his current girlfriend touch her, or talk to her or even look at her when they first met? They have taken the time to get to know each other and Leah now runs to give her a hug goodnight!)

Eugenia Parrett, Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Your Bank Account

What is in your bank account? And when I say bank account, I am referring to the emotional bank account of your relationship. Researchers from the marriage laboratory at the University of Washington suggest that the concept of an emotional bank account incorporates the idea of turning-toward or turning-away from your partner when he or she elicits your attention. Turning-toward your partner could be as simple as giving a nod when he/she comments about weather or it could include providing your undivided attention when he or she is in need of your emotional support. When you turn-toward your partner, you add to your emotional bank account by increasing the levels of emotional commitment and intimacy. However, when you continuously turn-away from your partner by ignoring his/her bids for attention, you deplete your emotional bank account.

It is so funny how even our relationships operate on economic terms. I thought about the sheer joy that stems from being truly heard and understood by my significant other. But what is even more humbling and empowering is understanding that I have an important role to play in bolstering the emotional bank account of our relationship. In being a busy graduate student, it is easy to get inundated with all of the demands that school provides. And when you are busy or overwhelmed it is so easy to overlook your partner’s bids for emotional support. Sometimes bids can be very subtle—usually a very slight alteration in one’s normal speaking voice that exudes vulnerability and support seeking. I have come to realize that there is truly an art form involved in quieting the noise of your own social/work pressures in order to hear the more vulnerable bids for emotional support from your partner. But the level of intimacy that results from this art form is totally worth the effort. And surprisingly enough, you also feel comforted and supported by simply turning-toward your partner and providing the invaluable assets of an open heart and a listening ear.

For more information about the concept of an emotional bank account and building a sound marital house, you can refer to the chapter written by Ryan, Carrere, and Gottman in the book entitled Marriage in America by Martin King Whyte.

Cassandra Kirkland, M.S.

Premarital Counseling – New Perspective or Waste of Time?

Some may be cringing at the title of this blog! I can hear it now:

“Mallory, how could you say that something like premarital counseling is a waste of time?!?!”

“Don’t you want people to be prepared for marriage?”

“Aren’t you a therapist? How can you say that?”

Slow down one second and hear me out. This seems to be the season of weddings and love! All around me are bridal expos, bridal showers, commercials about that perfect diamond, and girls squealing with excitement about their friends becoming engaged. I am just as excited as the next person, and you can bet that I will be at 4 weddings in the next few months with tissue in my hand and a smile on my face!

As someone who has led premarital therapy, attended premarital education programs, and who truly believes in love that can last a life time, I am not trying to be cynical. I just want to put a disclaimer on premarital counseling and premarital relationship education programs.

Consumer Beware: Just because you sit in a course for relationship education does not mean that you have a “Golden Ticket” to marriage. If you treat premarital counseling as just another check on the checklist (i.e. got the caterer – check, got the dj – check, went to counseling – check), you are doing a real disservice to your relationship.

I think the truth is that premarital education can give you the right mindset and tools for marriage….IF YOU WANT IT! When premarital counseling is effective – which it is for many – it is because the couple comes ready to be real and to be purposeful. For me, I think premarital education can even prove to be a sigh of relief, because you learn that you do not have to have all the answers to love, communication, friendship, sex, in-laws, money matters, the impact of children on the relationship, etc., etc. now.

Rather, the emphasis is on engaging (and staying engaged!) in the relationship and moving down a new path together. Fortunately, skills can be learned throughout the relationship to address specific situations that will undoubtedly arise.

That’s the point! Healthy and stable relationships are made up of thoughtful choices and intentional actions. We get to decide – everyday and every minute – about choices that strengthen or strain the relationship.

So, decide to pay attention in those premarital classes; decide to be purposeful in your relationship; and, start before the “I do’s” are uttered.

Mallory Lucier, MS

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Dealing with Conflict: The Power of Empathy

Although romantic relationships often start out blissfully and are characterized by long walks (if not on a beach, then some other romantic setting), sharing feelings, and displays of physical affection; it’s only a matter of time until that first fight occurs. Maybe John wants to watch the football game tonight, but Jane wants to see who gets kicked off Dancing with the Stars this week. Whether it’s big, little, or something in between, experiencing conflict is very normal—even healthy!—in relationships. Each person has his or her own conflict style. He might prefer to deal with conflict by taking time out to think, while she likes to talk things out in the moment rather than letting it go unresolved. Research indicates that there is no one right way to resolve conflict, but there are certain skills and strategies that anyone can use to improve their ability to work through fights with a partner.

As a therapist in training, one of the strategies I use with clients to help them resolve long-standing conflicts or issues is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and share in another person’s emotions and experience; or as it’s often said, “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” It’s very common to feel like you just don’t understand your partner during fights; however, the other person’s behavior is perfectly reasonable and justifiable  – to him or her. If you don’t understand why, it’s important to find out. It’s as simple as (sincerely) saying, “I’m not sure I understand where you’re coming from on this, but I want to.”

When confronted with a situation where you and your partner disagree, it’s easy to immediately take a defensive position. Why shouldn’t John watch the football game—he’s been looking forward to it all week because his favorite team is playing the biggest game of this season. How could she be so insensitive to make the comment that it’s “just a game”—especially when he turned down watching it with the guys so that they could still spend time together?! It’s obvious she just wants everything to be her way. Meanwhile, Jane’s wondering how he could care so much about football when she has never missed an episode of her favorite show, and has been wanting him to watch it with her ever since they started dating. She now knows that he doesn’t care about the things she’s interested in; he’d probably rather be hanging out with the guys!

Each person becomes enraged at their partner’s perceived offenses and begins to list all of the reasons why he or she is being wronged, even assigning traits to their partner’s character. However, neither one is using empathy in this situation. Underneath the anger in conflict is often an underlying emotion, such as fear or hurt. The key to empathy during disagreement is recognizing the underlying emotion your partner is experiencing and understanding why he or she feels that way. John and Jane are both feeling hurt, even though they are expressing anger. Their motives are actually to get closer to each other by sharing something that is important to them. Uncovering these underlying emotions and using empathy during conflict is a valuable tool that will resolve disagreements a little less painfully, and will likely make the relationship even stronger.

In conclusion, it might still be a challenge to decide what to watch on t.v., but it will be much easier to work it out when both partners understand where the other person is coming from, and both are able to respect and empathize with the partner’s position. Being in a relationship is like going down a road together, and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes will allow you to get a lot more out of the journey.

Kristy Malone, MFT Student

Graduate Research Assistant, Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

HEALTHY MARRIAGES IN THE MOVIES

This week’s highly-viewed Academy Awards ceremony has perhaps put movies on the public’s mind more than usual. This year’s Best Picture-winner, Slumdog Millionaire, is a touching romance as well as a fascinating family drama. Like most cinematic love stories, its emphasis is on youthful romance and premarital courtship. This is not a knock on Slumdog; I loved the movie and highly recommend it. That said, the moviegoing world has had plenty of instruction on how to fall in love. It’s staying in love and working through challenges often seems hard to find at the multiplex. During the Oscars, a friend of mine was diligently scribbling down a “must-see list” of the award-winners, an act that got my relationship-focused mind thinking on a parallel track: “What are the ‘must-see movies’ about making a marriage work? While a complete list on the topic is beyond the scope of this blog (you’ll likely think of many that I didnt’), I thought I could get the ball rolling on with some suggestions for your next visit to Netflix or the video store:

A BEAUTIFUL MIND: This 2001 Best-Picture winner finds Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connely supporting each other through dangers and mental illness.

BIG FISH: First of all, it takes place in Alabama! Second of all, Tim Burton’s eye-catching family drama, with one foot in reality and the other in fantasy, has a terrific portrayal of marital fidelity, with a couple entering their golden years with a life full of memories and an attitude of cherishing each other.

CINDERELLA  MAN: Underseen gem has Russell Crowe and Renee Zellweger as a Depression-era couple trying to make ends meet. Very inspiring.

ENCHANTED: Okay, this is cheating a little bit, because this is a “falling in love” story, but worth including because of its emphasis on striking a balance between romance and realism, and for showing that new healthy relationships are attainable after a divorce.

FATHER OF THE BRIDE (PARTS ONE AND TWO)- These winning Steve-Martin/Diane Keaton family comedies find the pair coping with the joys of parenthood together.

THE INCREDIBLES: This Pixar/Disney collaboration carries a surprisingly insightful examination into the strains and joys of longterm marriage, carefully disguised as a superhero action adventure.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL: This sweet and powerful Italian film is a rarity: a heartwarming film about the Holocaust. Roberto Benigni and real-life wife Nicoletta Braschi star as loving parents who fight to give their family hope during World War II.

PATRIOT GAMES/CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER: Political thrillers have CIA analyst Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford) and his surgeon wife (Anne Archer) supporting each other and raising children in times of danger and stress.

UNBREAKABLE: M. Night Shyamalan’s underrated “realistic” superhero thriller has brilliantly understated performances by Robin Wright Penn and Bruce Willis, as a married couple who haven’t seen conflict; they’ve simply drifted apart. Their story is the emotional backbone of the film, providing poignantly real heartache, as well as the undercurrent of hope that they can find their love for each other again.

WORLD TRADE CENTER: Also underseen, Oliver Stone’s true story of two policemen trapped in the towers, and the families who love them, is nothing short of inspiring.

These should get you started! Feel free to add more suggestions in the comments section!

Love of Valentine’s

Every February, throughout the country, candy, flowers, cards and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. The question is: Do we even really know why we are celebrating this “lovers’ day”?

St. Valentine’s Day contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman traditions. The lovers’ holiday traces its roots to an annual Roman festival where men stripped naked, grabbed goat- or dog-skin whips, and spanked young maidens in hopes of increasing their fertility. This annual pagan celebration called Lupercalia, which began February 15, remained wildly popular into the fifth century A.D., at least 150 years after Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire. As Christianity came to dominance in Europe, pagan holidays were frequently renamed for early Christian martyrs, in this case, St. Valentine.

Three different people named St. Valentine exist in the history of the church, and so the accurate Valentine story is not fully known. Supposedly, in the third century A.D., Roman Emperor Claudius II forbade young army men to marry because he believed that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families. Valentine ignored the ban and performed marriages in secret.

After getting caught and being put in prison, Valentine actually sent the first ‘valentine’ greeting himself. During his imprisonment, Valentine fell in love with a young girl (the jailor’s daughter) who visited him. Before his execution, it is believed that he wrote her a letter, which he signed ‘From your Valentine,’ an expression we still use today.

Valentine was executed on February 14, 270 A.D and became a Patron Saint and spiritual overseer of the annual festival. The festival was intended for young Roman men to offer women they admired, and wished to court, handwritten greetings of affection on February 14. The greeting cards acquired St.Valentine’s name.

Being the most popular symbol for Valentine’s Day, Cupid (of Roman mythology; named Eros in Greek mythology) has always played a role in the celebrations of love and lovers. Cupid and his arrows have become the most popular signs of love, and love is most frequently depicted by two hearts pierced by an arrow, Cupid’s arrow.

Tying both Valentine’s day and the depiction of cupid together, it is apparent that love, the symbols of love, and being in love are priorities for most people. But there is a significant difference between cupid’s love and compassionate, conscious love. Marriage is not based on an aimlessly, “shoot-n-arrow” type of love but rather on a conscious decision based on the love and respect between two people. Rather than marriage just being the thrills and joys of a wedding, it is actually the life between two partners “’til death do they part.”

So, be patient and take your time learning about your partner, learn about each other’s strengths/weaknesses and likes/dislikes, find happiness and satisfaction with one another, and consciously decide and prepare for the life of marriage. And yes, send those notes of love and appreciation – not just once a year, but often.

Alexa Calligas, Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Last week I went to pick my daughter up from her afterschool program and as usual, I was in a hurry to get home. All I could think about was how much I needed to get done and how I wished I hadn’t let things pile up and how I wanted to go to bed at a decent hour. Once my daughter was in the car, she told me that for the third time that week she hadn’t earned her behavior tickets because she had been talking to her friends. This would cause her to miss the good behavior party at school and according to her, she didn’t really care. Needless to say, hearing that didn’t improve my mood. As if things couldn’t get any worse, as I was ready to pull off from the school, I found that I was parked behind a school bus that was sitting there with its lights flashing, indicating that I could not go around. So I am ready to get home, I am not too happy about my daughter’s nonchalant attitude regarding her behavior, and I am stuck behind a school bus! After about 10 minutes of waiting, I just couldn’t stand it anymore and wondered out loud, “Why is this bus taking so long?!” My child’s response will forever be imbedded in my mind. With the tiniest voice she said, “Its Mikayla’s bus and she’s a wheelchair person and maybe it’s just taking them a long time to strap her in.” A sense of shame and guilt immediately came over me and I was literally brought to tears. Here I was focusing on myself and all that was going on in my world, not stopping to think that someone else was having a difficult time, possibly due to circumstances beyond their control. And to top it all off, I realized that a 9 year old had more patience and compassion than I did.

How often do we become so consumed by what is going on in our own little worlds that we don’t stop to think about what someone else might be going through? How often do we fail to realize that even those closest to us are just as busy as we are, yet they don’t take their frustration out on the rest of the world? In order to be a better spouse, parent, friend, significant other, etc., you have to first learn to be patient. Being patient with someone shows respect for them which goes a long way in relationships. Having patience helps you to be more relaxed around the people you care about, enabling you to have more positive interactions. After my experience last week, I have made a conscious effort at trying to be more patient and not so consumed by every little thing that comes my way. It has been a struggle but I keep reminding myself not to sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff. So if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed and impatience begins to rear its ugly little head, remember: expect the unexpected, focus on what is most important, and if you can’t do anything about what is causing you to be impatient, let it go!

Eugenia Parrett

Doctoral Student

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative