Single and Loving It (From Me to We): The Transition – Part 3 of 3

Here we are once again. Welcome back for part three of this journey that we have been taking. Previously, we have discussed recognizing personal and societal pressures to be in a relationship along with developing our “best selves” while we are single to assure that we are ready for “The Transition.” In the final part of this trilogy, we will discuss going from “me” to “we” as singles recognize potential relationship opportunities. In starting every relationship, it is important that careful and intentional steps are taken to make sure you have gotten to know the other person and to avoid the risk of sliding into a potentially unhealthy situation. During this process, many people may often be blinded by infatuation and fail to see warning signs that may present themselves. Take the time to learn more about the past relationships of your potential mate, their family history, and there present and future intentions. This will present a great opportunity for you to compare your morals, values, and beliefs. Once you feel that you are ready to move forward, it is time to define the relationship. I recently read an article describing the steps of defining relationships that listed the following tips:

1. Ask yourself if the timing is right.
2. Have the right mindset.
3. Pick the right location.
4. Be direct.
5. Be open and receptive of all perspectives.
6. Don’t give false hope.
7. Say “No” to ultimatums.
8. Offer an opportunity to think things over.

These things are essential to making sure that there is shared understanding between everyone that is involved. I encourage you to follow the above link to read the article. Please comment to share your thoughts. Thank you for traveling with me on “The Single and Loving It” adventure. We have come to the end, but I look forward to you reading my future posts. I am not saying that the journey of singleness is over for me, but I am not saying it isn’t either. You have to stay turned to find out.

“Is It Really THAT Serious???”

I just started graduate school (if 2 months classifies as “just”) and I’m thrilled. I find myself surrounded by intelligent people but when I sit back and look around (like I often do), I get worried. Some of my peers are so stressed out just watching them gets my heart thumping. Then I ask myself, “is it just me or are things just not that serious???”

Don’t get me wrong, I take a lot of things seriously. For examples: my next meal, my future, and my shoes. However, I don’t take some things like school so seriously that when it comes time to worry about life’s necessities, I have no energy left. Listen, I understand that graduate school is really important and can be  REALLY stressful and I know the immense pleasure doing well at work can give a person. Call me crazy but I think having great relationships (family, friends, and “more than friends” included) and being healthy are things that could trump those any day of the week.

I’m not crazy. Research has shown that increased and sustained levels of stress can deteriorate your health (I don’t know about you but I want to live for a while… like to see my grandchildren). People who experience more stress or anxiety tend to be more susceptible to infections and may have an increased risk of coronary heart disease. For us normies, this means stressing out or getting worked up over too many things could have us getting sick more often and spending more time/money on hospitals and pharmacies. It’s a recession people. This also means that fussing could help our heart go kaput. I’m exaggerating… but I wouldn’t risk it.

Now to the main event: relationships. What does stressing out about school and work have to do with the people at home? Research has been very intuitive about this. I mean, think about it — if you are feeling stressed, overworked, or stretched to your limit, what kind of energy would you be giving off to others? Our poor loved ones get us at the end of our busy days and have to hear us snipe about this and that. What about those days when you displace your emotions? Meaning, you’re angry about all the work your boss gave you to do, then you come home and yell at your partner/children/mom for nothing at all! All this can not be helping your relationships. In fact, you are probably pushing the ones you care about away!

Now, I wouldn’t say all this without giving you a way to get some stress relief. Here are a couple of links to a great site run by my alma mater, UT Austin (Hook ‘Em!): http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/stressrecess/index.html http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/mindbodylab.html

The first has great tips on stress management and more resources on this topic. This site is a little specific to the Austin area, so find resources near you! The second allows you to listen to audio relaxation tracks. This way you can relax anywhere then give off positive energy to your oh-so-important relationships!

So, the take-home message: the next time you find your shoulders by your ears and your heart racing or you feel panicky and weighed-down by school or work ask yourself: “is it really that serious???” Chances are it’s not serious enough to risk your health or having healthy relationships.

Christiana Datubo-Brown, Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Overcoming a Long Distance Relationship With a Plan!

Out of sight out of mind? Or does absence make the heart grow fonder?

With increases in technology more and more individuals are working to sustain relationships with others who are miles, time zones and sometimes even oceans away. Most often when we hear the term long distance relationship we immediately think romantic dating relationships; however, marriage relationships and non-romantic relationships with family members or friends also fall under this category.

Moving to Auburn this past August, all of my relationships instantly became long distance – My friends from college moved all over the country, my family remained in Florida and my boyfriend started graduate school in New York City. I was immediately faced with figuring out how to manage multiple relationships with miles between me and the ones I loved.

One way to manage such relationships is through making a plan for the next time you will be together. Research suggests spending time together, via phone or e-mail, planning for the next visit, helps to produce feelings of stability and certainty – which can be hard to cultivate with few face-to-face interactions.

For my boyfriend and me, planning unique activities, such as going to the Bronx Zoo to ride a camel, or simply discussing what we are looking forward to during the next visit, perhaps sharing some chocolate doughnuts together, helps us get through the months apart. While it is important to plan, it is also important to leave room for spontaneous or even everyday activities. Despite all the bike riding and hiking adventures we shared together during his visit to Auburn several months ago, we both agreed our favorite time together was simply cooking dinner. The key is to find stability through making plans while remaining flexible to what each visit has to offer!

Does and Don’ts of Long Distance Relationship Planning

-DO spend time apart discussing plans for your future time together

-DON’T over plan or try to fit weeks worth of activities into one weekend

-DO allow room for spontaneity

-DO enjoy the mundane activities – Just because you do not see each other often does not mean every activity needs to be “special”

-DON’T get frustrated if you do not accomplish all of the plans you made prior to being together

-DON’T feel pressure to be overly sexually active during the visit with a romantic partner. This can quickly sap up any spontaneity.

Spend some time today with a long distance romantic partner, family member or friend making a PLAN for your future time together! What exciting PLANS are you making?

For further reading on making a romantic long distance relationship work check out this Health Discovery Blog!

Larissa Ferretti

Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

The Blame Game

How many times have you found yourself thinking, “There’s no point in talking to him about this because he won’t listen,” or “If she would just stop overreacting, this wouldn’t be a big deal!”? My guess is you can probably think of quite a few times when this, or something like this, has happened. It’s human nature to put the blame on someone else, but in reality, it’s probably not 100% the other persons fault. Playing the “blame game” may seem like the easy solution, but it ends up being very harmful to the relationship. Say a problem arises in your relationship that causes a disagreement between you and your significant other. Your first thought is probably, “I’m right.” Well guess what, they are probably thinking the exact same thing. Taking this position leaves no room for actually addressing the problem at hand, and talking about the issue becomes useless because there is no way to resolve it. If the issue is serious and remains unresolved, then you both might start to pull away from each other and, after awhile, no longer reach out to each other for emotional support. So, is being right worth losing the person you love? If the answer is no, then next time something comes up, take a deep breath and try to remember these tips:

1. Bring up tough issues softly. If there is something you want to discuss, bring it up at a time when both of you are calm and not highly emotional. Think about how you would like to be approached in this kind of situation and don’t start by blaming the other person! If you partner feels attacked, he/she will respond with defensiveness.
2. Avoid using the word “you” to blame. Instead of blaming, try talking about how the issue affects you by using “I” messages. For example, rather than saying, “You never make special plans for us!” try, “When we don’t do special things together, I feel unimportant and wonder if I’ve done something to upset you.”
3. Make messages short during disagreements. Don’t address multiple issues at once! By bringing up multiple issues, you lose the ability to have a productive conversation by overwhelming your partner.
4. Be respectful. Even when it is hard to do, it’s important to be respectful towards the other person. Avoid calling each other names, or bringing up issues from the past only to criticize. The point is to have a beneficial conversation that ends well, not make each other shut down and cause more damage.
5. Take a time out. If things start to get heated and out of control, take a time out and allow both of you to cool off before starting again. This is important because you don’t want to say something you might regret later.  Being able to stop yourself is a key relationship skill. Be sure to set another time to finish the conversation and work on maintaining positive thoughts about the other person rather than dwelling on conflict.
6. Finally, remember you love this person. Keep in mind that in the end the relationship is more important than the argument. Each person has to be willing to compromise and come up with a solution that makes both people happy. Remember that even though you may feel strongly that you are correct, so does your partner, and it is not easy to admit your own fault.

Remember, healthy relationships have conflict.  These tips are from research on strategies that work!

Kate Taylor Harcourt, Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Does Age Really Matter???…. You Decide

Being a graduate student in the human development field and working in a “marriage lab”, conversations about marriage and relationships are bound to come up at least a time or two (hey it’s who we are). Most recently the spotlight was on me and my boyfriend of the past two years.  I was sharing that it has been my experience that when you’ve been with the same person for two years people start to question where your relationship is going and if they should “save the date”. While I love my boyfriend and as of right now am pretty confident that he’s the guy I’m gonna spend my life with, I’m not ready to take that walk down the aisle just yet. I’m a 21 year old new graduate student and just don’t feel that marriage would be the  right fit for me at this stage of my life. In fact based upon some recent self-reflection I don’t think I believe in marriage before 25.

Now I know that some of you may be disagreeing with me at this point, but just hear me out. I’m NOT saying that there is anything wrong with being married before 25. I know tons of people who have been happily married for years that got married before they were 25, however  it just does not fit with the direction I want my life to go. In fact there is research that says our brains are not fully developed until we’re 25 and I definitely need to be working with a full deck before I’m equipped to be someone’s wife.

No matter what age you get married whether it be 23, 35, 0r 40 just make sure you do what’s right for you.

Jaleesa Albadani

Graduate Research Assistant, Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

How’d She Turn Out So Well: Success Despite Hardships

Have you ever wondered how a person achieves success despite growing up in rough conditions?  This idea has completely astounded me for about 8 years now.  You run across someone who may have been abused, not had a mother, had a bad home life, had addiction in their family, dropped out of high school or even had a child at a very young age…and yet despite those stressful things – they have overcome them and achieved a very successful life.  Now, some people define success differently, but I say success is getting to where you want to be in life.  It doesn’t have to mean you’re filthy rich – maybe it  means you’ve gotten an education, raised a great family or gotten that cool job you always wanted.  More than just success, it seems like these people are even comfortable with sharing their hard times with others.  The point is that somehow, despite bad circumstances and stressors in their childhood and adolescence, they made good choices that brought them where they are.

Some research tells us that intelligence, attractiveness, personality and personal qualities can lead to success and better outcomes despite a rough upbringing.  Other research suggests that it’s your environment, your parents, grandparents and other role models that provide the outlet for successful development in light of difficult stressors.  Even further, and perhaps the most interesting research tells us that our relationships – both friendships and love relationships can help us cope with our hardships.  Best friendships and long term supportive partnerships provide the comfort and outlet for sharing that has been shown to help people become more adjusted despite their past or current circumstances.

So what do you say it is?  Is it inner strength?  Relationships? Intelligence?  What gets people to the point that they can overcome rough life circumstances?

I’ll leave you with a great example…but before I tell her name – I’ll describe her upbringing so you can make your own premature judgment of what she became:  This girl was born in small town Mississippi…with a weird name.  She was sexually molested as a child, her parents divorced before she was 6, she lived with her grandmother for 5 years, lived with  her mom only for 2 and later moved in with her very overbearing Dad.  She did drugs as a teenager and gave birth to a baby prematurely.

I know…you’re thinking – dang…this girl must be screwed up?  Who is she…did she live?  Or, if she did live…she’s still on drugs.  People, I’m talking about the only Billionaire woman in America – Oprah Winfrey?!

So how did she do it….how do “they” do it…how do you do it?  I’ll contest that Oprah’s key relationships – both with her best friend Gayle King…and her life partnership with Stedman have helped her to get to where she is.  Don’t get me wrong – those aren’t the only things that got her to where she is…certainly hard work, determination and personality helped, but those relationships most likely supported her in being able to see past the adversity to what she could become.

Charlsey Mahle

Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

Parent Involvement Matters

As an intern therapist, I experienced the neatest thing with several of my consumers after this Labor Day weekend. Many came so excited to talk about the outings they did with either their moms, dads, grandparents, or siblings. It seemed that there was a similar theme for all of them: getting to spend quality time and have fun with family. While these outings were not financially burdensome -  for example some of the outings included going to the park, going to the river, going to a football game, etc. – these children were so happy about the fun times they had with the family member(s). This got me to thinking about how much parental or family involvement means to children, and also about the little things parents can do to be involved in their children’s lives.

Related to this thought, basic research suggests that there may also be a link between couple relationship quality/interactions and parental involvement. Specifically, marital/couple conflict has been linked to several negative parenting behaviors, such as harsh discipline, lack of parental involvement, and parent-child conflict. On the other hand, positive marital/couple relationships can spillover and positively affect the quality, behaviors, and involvement of the parent-child relationship. Therefore, educational efforts to strengthen the couple relationship may positively affect parenting behaviors and involvement and in turn, can promote child well-being.

Alexa Calligas

Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative

A Family That Rides Together

I’m sure most of you have heard the following statement “A family that prays together, stays together.”  Well, my family has a different take on this. We like to say, “A family that rides together stays together.” Yes, I understand this statement does not rhyme, but that’s just the way we roll.

There are always ways to bring a family closer. One way is to have something in common and/or something that all individuals can take part in and get excited about. Our excitement began when my brother joined the Auburn Flyers Collegiate Cycling team. We (as a family) attended all the cycling races, including taking a family vacation to Kansas for the National Collegiate race. After experiencing such a major event together, my parents and I started thinking about the prospect of getting our own bikes.

I purchased my first road bike with the help of my parents. Soon after, both of my parents purchased their own road bike. This is when the bonding first started. My dad became my “coach” for future bike races. We spent the weekends together riding and training. This was the first time that my dad and I had anything in common. When I started racing with my brother, the entire family would spend the whole weekend at our races. And every spring when the Tour De France comes on, we all gather around the TV to see how Lance Armstrong is doing.

For any relationship to thrive and develop, there are several core components. The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Educational Network, NERMEN, lists seven key patterns of thinking and behaviors associated with healthy, stable couple relationships and marriage. These have become known as the NERMEN Core Components of a Healthy Relationship and Marriage. Care for Self is one of these concepts. It focuses on maintaining physical, psychological, and sexual health and wellness as an individual. Exercise is such an important element in our daily lives. It affects all aspects of our lives in a positive way. Also, as I have shown, it can bring family togetherness.

My family is known as the cycling family. We are always wearing our Auburn jerseys and riding proudly side by side. Even my 54-year-old mother puts on her spandex and jumps on her bike for 50-mile rides. It is something that our entire family can do together and enjoy together. We are healthy, happy, and closer than ever.

What have you done with your family lately? Have you made an effort to spend time together?

Rachel Dawkins, Graduate Research Assistant

Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiativve

Single and Loving It: Taking Care of Me (Part 2 of 3)

Hello everyone. Many of you have been awaiting my long, anticipated follow up. A lot has occurred since the last time we spent time together in the World of WordPress. However, I am still enjoying the journey of being single. A few of you may have just noticed that this is the second part of a blog that I posted earlier this year. If you have yet to read it, please feel free to follow the previous link at your leisure.

I was recently asked, “When are you going to slow down to find love and happiness?” I began to answer with my usual reply of “whenever love and happiness speeds up to find me.” Then, I had a thought that this person may be in need of a deeper revelation. Thus, I shared with them and thought that I should adapt my response into a blog entry. So, here we are.

A relationship is comprised of two people with separate identities, thoughts, and personalities. For a relationship to be healthy, the individuals forming the relationship must be healthy. The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Educational Network, NERMEN, lists seven areas of focus for the start and maintenance of healthy relationships based on decades of research on marriage quality. These have become known as the NERMEN Core Components of a Healthy Relationship and Marriage. Care for Self is one of these concepts. It emphasizes the importance for individuals to maintain physical, mental, and sexual health and wellness to assure that they are the healthy persons they should be for themselves and their partners.  These are not practices that just magically fall into place when relationships are started. It is a lifestyle that is cultured over time.  Thus while single, it is vital that we begin to exercise this into our lives.  You will realize that it will allow you to find balance as well.

I recently read an article titled, “7 Top Secrets to Living Single Successfully” on TwoOfUs.org that offers some sound advice. The seven steps are as follows:

1. Love Yourself – Join and Exercise Program
2. Treat Yourself Regularly – You Deserve It
3. Open Your Heart
4. Fall in Love! Adopt a Pet
5. Don’t Live in Fear
6. Learn to Enjoy Eating Out Alone
7. Ask for Help…and 7.5. Dance!

I know each of you are capable of reading the article. Therefore, I will not go into depth. However, I will make a few comments about a few of these. Numbers one, two, and six fall right within the Care for Self component that I mentioned earlier. Not only is the gym a great community to meet other singles, but it offers you an opportunity to relieve stress. Likewise, taking yourself on a date is not as lame or corny as you think. If you can’t love yourself, you will find it hard to love someone else.  Number three is important as well. While being single, our resources are more free and available to be used to enrich the lives of others. Volunteer some time and money to a worthy cause. It is also understood that those who volunteer in the community and are more civically engaged tend to make healthier relationship decisions.  Number four has helped me with finding balance. Until recently, my family consisted of three dogs. Now, I live a less hectic life with seven tropical fish.

It is important to always remember that the word “single” is not synonymous with “lonely.” Until next time or until you are ready to start a relationship, continue to embrace your journey. Feel free to leave your thoughts and I look forward to sharing with you again when I write part three.

Relationship Rants & Raves

For someone in the relational health field, this has been a tough summer. I can’t attend any gathering without hearing comments about the state of marriage in this country, more specifically the state of marriage as it exists with our politicians and celebrities. Well, don’t get me started. There is a disconnect between the evidence I see during my work day (i.e, that Alabama citizens are successfully learning relationship skills) and what I read in the paper and see on television at home in the evenings: lots of “stupid” behavior going on by people who are smart enough to know better.

I am beginning to think that a requirement for getting elected to state or national political office should be participating in a relationship/marriage education program. Afterall, our elected officials attend conferences and trainings routinely as part of their jobs. It looks like they need to expand their learning horizons. As role models and leaders, their personal decisions are relevant and warrant our attention.

Many politicians insist on having balanced budgets. Stay with me, please, because there is a link to our topic. The personal is political and the political is personal, as was said in the 60’s. (Yes, I am old enough to remember the late 60’s.) Although infidelity is obviously a private decision, its consequences, if it leads to divorce, are not. According to the recent research, divorce costs the state and federal government an estimated 33.3 billion annually in direct and intervention costs. These estimates include divorce costs related to delinquency, poor academic performance, drug use, lost productivity, family support and mental health services.

There’s even an environmental cost! One household becomes two with twice the number of appliances and accompanying energy usages. The family’s green footprint doubles.

I wish this insanity would end. For those tempted to “take a hike along the Appalachian trail” or “take a trip to Argentina,” remember what Dorothy said, “There is no place like home.” So stay put.